An emotional vacumn cleaner...

Area Woman Emotionally Invested In Jennifer Aniston's Well-Being (From The Onion)
October 15, 2006

SCOTTDALE, PA—Pennsylvania native and entertainment-news consumer Gayle Caudill admitted to a deep personal investment in the happiness and well-being of TV and film star Jennifer Aniston, an international celebrity who has a reported net worth of $80 million, and, according to Caudill, is "a down-to-earth gal just like myself."

Like the international celebrity, Caudill has also been through "so much." "She's had her share of troubles, like anyone else," said Caudill, referring to Aniston's much-reported divorce from fellow megastar Brad Pitt. "But if I know Jen Aniston, she'll come out on top. She's a survivor."

The divorced 41-year-old dental-office receptionist and self-proclaimed "Team Aniston" member said she felt an "uncanny" bond with the $8-million-per-picture superstar. The two have never met, and are not expected to.

Don't get me wrong. What I am about to write is not a crticism of Gayle or others of her ilk. That would be foolish given that this story is a spoof that appeared in The Onion.

However, I too have stood at the supermarket checkout and flicked through the types of magazines that carry this stuff. In Oz, these babies sell like hot cakes. In fact, better than that, they sell like meth amphetamines to meth heads - ie lots of, heaps and stacks.

And it makes me sad. Now, some of you will dismiss this as being too serious about "a bit of fun". Bear with me though, I think there is more to it than that. I think it is about feeling lost and lonely in a big scary world and clinging on to any brightly coloured floatsam that passes by.

And we chicks are the main culprits. I don't know why we kid ourselves that reading about women wearing small amounts of expensive, glittery material is interesting or even meaningful. But we do. Some of these stars also act as well as being modules (sorry, I think I meant models not modules - no, oops, I did actually mean modules).

It's like their sparkly world is a panacea for all that ails us. We suck it up and it leaves us breathless and a little high. It tempers every cr*p job, bad relationship, no relationship, lack of satisfaction aspect of our lives.

Except, it is actually like meth amphetamines - you subdue the pain but the addiction is worst than the original condition.