Friday, April 28, 2006

Her Royal Mumminess

It has come to my attention that there is unease amongst certain members of the British public about their royal family. As a kind and munificent (or mummy-nificent if you prefer) gesture, I have decided to offer myself as an acting Queen while the British people sort out how their new Republic will work.
A few things will have to change immediately.
First, I am not really one for public walk-abouts or appearances so I will ask Archie the Inventor (from BBC program - Balanory- that my son adores) to create a hologram that waves regally whenever required and smiles nicely. He already has experience doing clever things with cardboard rolls and squeegy bottles so this should be a cinch.
Second, while all the real estate is rather lovely, I really wouldn't feel comfortable using any of it so will sell it off (OK, I may keep a small pied a terre in London and a little cottage up in Scotland). Money will be used for the socially disadvantaged, little kiddies, education and hospitals. And magically, there will be really good people to manage all these things so no money is wasted, absconded with etc etc and everyone lives happily ever after.
Third, I will keep Charles on as an environmental consultant and maker of quality organic snacks. He will have to make do on a much lower salary but I think this is fair as he should be paid based on his skill sets rather than his current status as the potential king. The current role doesn't seem to make him very happy and I get the feeling that he is not convinced he would do a good job anyway.
Fourth, I haven't decided what I should do fourth. Suggestions please on the back of an online envelope.
mummified is crownified


The Phosgene Kid said...

4. Invade France and kick the snot out of them, just for fun. Don't worry the Frenchies are professional surrenders - they roll over and play dead at the slightest sign of anyone with malicious intent crossing their borders.

5. Find Seb a girlfriend so he has something to do besides Blog.

mummified said...

4. Thanks for that. My family is French. (ha ha, gotcha - they haven't been French since they high-tailed it over to England and Ireland in 1587 when it was definitely uncool to be a protestant and alive - think angry catholics with burning crosses)
5. And - oh god, I know, we HAVE to get Seb a girlfriend. He is clearly adorable, he just needs to get out more - have we got contacts in the UK who could assist ?

charlie said...

I'm in the UK but Seb can find his own girlfriend.

If you become Queen, I'd like you to replace the corgis with spaniels. Tha is much more important than your first three improvements.


Tea and Books, etc said...

All hail Her Majesty, Queen Mummified!

*deepest and most respectful curtsey*

My only request, ma'am, is that you submit a writing of your choosing (essay, poem, reminiscences, etc) to Charlie at Just post within the body of the e-mail (no attachments).

I think you've seen my post on the topic, but it bears repeating: Please submit. Even if Seb is being recalcitrant.

Speaking of Seb, I fear he's a bit of a fickle one. Have you seen whom he's fallen for now? Yes, she's quite attractive but what about the girl at the cake shop? And the plumber?

fairscape said...


4. Pack up the crown jewels and send them to me. You know it is quite dangerous to leave sharp things around where children can get to them. I'm only thinking of the safety of your little one.

mummified said...

OK, the crown jewels go to Fairscape. Will put bubble wrap around the crowns so they don't get chipped in the mail. Charlie - are westies also acceptable as replcaements for Corgis ? We could have spaniels too but our Aggie and Mac would be most put out if they were not the top dogs - as it were.
Tea and Books - you are right - Seb is adorable and fickle, he can sort out his own girlfriend(s). I will think about submitting to highland dreams - bit nervous about it but will think about it - OK

fairscape said...


The package came by Fed-Ex Air first thing this morming. The cat is playing with the bubble wrap in the next room. She likes to pounce and pop. I'm wearing one of the tiaras right now. It's perfect blogwear. I guess I should have this stuff appraised for insurance purposes. I'll fill you in later. Thanks so much.

Regally Yours,


Eternally Curious said...

Just came aboard for a look see, mummified. Am currently uncontrollably LOL, so please excuse lack of intelligible comment at the moment!! Tee hee! Have no idea what took me so long to find you, but now that I have I'll be returning.

Gotta go and try to get that image of Fairscape sitting at her computer blogging away in full regal blogwear, with sound effect of popping bubble wrap in background, out of my head!

SC said...

Words beginning with 'f' and ending in 'ickle' should not be used. The other word is fine, as are all synonyms of it. Cinnamons. Whatever.

Mummy, thank you for selflessly standing in as our queen while we, er, get rid of our queen. You are right to employ Charles. He has big ears after all, and not much to offer most employers, never having done a day's work in his life. Thank you for selling off the holiday homes for charity. Well done. If you just leave that big one in London for me, then I'll use it to... to do useful things with.

Come to think of it, it'd make a lovely hostel for homeless people, right in the middle of town. Very central, good views, 600 rooms, 40 acre garden, movie theatre, swimming pool and private art collection. Perfect. That sound ok?

Eternally Curious said...

Why Seb, you are adorable!

The Phosgene Kid said...

In the pink? New orange old persimmon? I am so confused. Blakc is generally reserved fo revil - that's how you could tell all the bad cowboys from the good cowboys, the baddies wore a black hat. God I have to back off on the meds...

SC said...

Why sank you, √Čternellement Curieuse. Eez thees becawse of my Frenchnurze?